Have You Ever Felt Small?
I do here. All the time. Every moment I’m brought to my knees. I praise the blessing I have of my faith in God. His greatness and my faith that He is bigger than my imaginations and bigger than the roadblocks and destruction I see, is all that gets me through my days. I am small but I have a Great God.
Lately I’ve been really struggling with systemic injustice and trying to retain hope in the face of the looming challenges it presents. I am scared by the magnitude and depth of injustice that is ingrained into society, it becomes the status-quo: unjust systems no longer feel wrong but normal. The intangible-ness scares me. Daily I’m tempted to lose hope. I catch myself afraid that people won’t believe me, that when I come home people will dismiss my words. I don’t expect the Palestinian people to be everyone’s fight but I am afraid no one will even pause or blink an eye at their worldviews. In a world that is a mosaic of gray, I am wary of interactions that attempt to only see black and white.
I’ve also been very rattled by my increased self-awareness. Ideas, beliefs, concepts I’ve always taken for granted have been proved wrong or misinformed again and again. I’ve been scared and challenged by them—especially when I can’t identify where or when I gained them to begin with. It is frightening to realize that you believe things that you didn’t even realize you believe. The impact of media…
The Lord is blessing me so much, in so many ways. People and experiences are flooding into and enriching my life in a magnitude that only my Spirit must comprehend: mentally I’m too finite to process it all. What I have processed, however, has blown me away. God is good.
Arabic is going pretty well. Ali left for China and home so now I am roommate-less. I miss her a lot and find the moments at home more lonely now. Sometimes when everyone is rattling off in rapid Arabic and I so desperately want to understand, I get overwhelmed. It’s a humbling process—to try so hard and feel like you get no where. Communication is something I’ve always taken for granted. It can connect you or disconnect you. Lately it’s felt like the latter.
The final weight I need to get off my chest is that of blatant hate. It is frightening to see how some people find all of their identity in their thoughts and ideas: Beliefs they have never questioned and aren’t willing too. Perhaps I should clarify: I do not have a problem with finding identity in a belief, as I do in Christ, yet there needs to be a willingness to continually place your beliefs under scrutiny, examining why you believe what you do.
Lord, teach me how to transform hate. Teach me how to transform indifference. Show me my role.
I hope you are all well. I will write more soon. Internet has been scarce lately but I have some wonderful stories and people I want to share with you. Thank you for you emails, they are wonderful. I am not neglecting you; rather, the internet is neglecting me. =)
